WTF

I’m going to attempt to post daily, like I originally planned, because this is a transitional time.

I think I may have said this before, but I hate Sundays. Sundays are for couples who wake up together and go out for coffee or breakfast and a stroll about town. Sundays remind me of what I had and what I don’t have.

Nonetheless…

Today was a beautiful day out so I decided to go for a walk along the cliffs that hug the ocean. It’s a nice bike/walk path there and on weekends, it gets pretty busy. As I walked there I called my dad for my weekly check-in and as usual, I was very closed up during our conversation. I always tell him I’m fine because trying to explain what I’m actually going through is pointless. There is a cultural, language and generation gap between us that the Great Wall couldn’t bridge. After the call I was left feeling sad. I tried to enjoy the walk along the oceanside, but all I could feel was a deep sadness in my gut.

“I don’t want this journey anymore” was all I felt.

After my walk I went to the coffee house to do some on-line research and that heavy feeling stayed with me. I just wanted this day to be over. Luckily there was a Rebel Dharma sit tonight.

I biked to the center and still, I felt so empty during meditation and during the dharma talk. I usually have something to say or have some insight, but I just wasn’t feeling it today. The talk mentioned accepting things for what they are, and even that just fell dead to me.

I know that where I’m at now is a dark place. I don’t like it and I know that the more I resist it or don’t acknowledge it, the bigger it gets. I also know that things are only as you perceive them. So what the fuck?

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