The word for today was “anger”. I know I’ve brought this up before, depression being anger turned inward. Women who express anger are considered bitches, and men who express anger can be seen as assholes. Damn.
So in today’s session, my therapist explored expressing anger. It’s so easy for me to just go straight to sad or frustrated. When she asks me what I am angry at or how angry I am at my family, it’s so hard to me to identify it. But the more I talked, the more I begin to identify specific instances where I was angry. Even then I recalled it with sadness.
She then asked if I would do the “hitting the pillow with a bat” thing, but I just wasn’t comfortable. She asked if she could do it as me and I felt more comfortable with that. As she swung the bat, she yelled out the things that I was angry at. I couldn’t help but cry because she captured what I’m angry with so well. I don’t know why my mind goes blank when she asks me what I’m angry about, but she totally gets it. It was intense. I had the image of my child-self being pushed around and being treated like crap, and no one was helping her out. I realized that not even I was helping her.
So she sent me home with the pillows and bat and encouraged me to go for it. In truth, I feel like my authentic self is waiting for someone to stand up for her, and I should give myself the opportunity to do it. It’s scary to think of getting angry. I just had too much emotional crap last week, so I’m a bit hesitant to get in touch with my emotions again.