Relationships are the bane of my existence. At least they typically have been. This whole fiasco re-emerged because of my ill relations with relationships. In 2009 I was dating someone who I really enjoyed being with. He had a lot of the qualities I was looking for in a person, I enjoyed the time we spent together, we had great chemistry and things just seemed to be going really well. When we broke off the relationship I was devastated.
At first I was depressed at the fact that I lost him, that he was no longer going to be in my life. Then it was this overwhelming sense of “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” I was so sick and tired of being in relationships that keep dying or having dead-end dates. If I’m in a relationship that isn’t working, I understand when it’s over. I even get that I made some unhealthy choices to even get involved with that person. But when relationships are going well, I just don’t get it. What the hell?!? Really?!?
I get that I need to be solid with myself in order to find someone else, but to that I say “Really? How does that explain all the fucked up people I know in relationships?” Plus no one is ever fully with it. Am I that fucked up?
So anyhow, a few months ago I resigned to not dating anyone as I need to focus on myself. It’s strange as I feel like, although I want to be in a relationship, I don’t want to start one. I just wish I had someone on my side, someone ion my life to help support me and be there for me as I go through this.
But wouldn’t you know, I’m getting to know someone now, and it scares me. I feel like I’ve been away at a monastery and am trying to function in society again. I keep telling myself not to bring the past or future int his situation and just be with it now. Let it unfold, see what happens. But that scares me too. I don’t know if I can be hurt again.