I was about 4 and it was my sister’s wedding day. I was a flower girl for the event and in the days leading up to the wedding, I was so excited to wear the new dress my mom was making for me. Apparently I was going on and on about how I wanted to wear this damn dress. So the day finally came and when the music played and it was my turn to step out I froze. I remember feeling terrified at the idea of stepping out in front of all those people. I was insecure and was certain that they were going to judge me.
The music kept playing and people kept telling me I needed to step out from behind the curtain. I resisted and began to fight back. Then my mom grabbed me and spanked me several times. It was like being splashed with cold water and now I had to wipe my tears and step out in front of everyone, sniffling my way down the aisle. At that point I hated everyone and hated being there.
Why do I bring this up? Because my therapist made it clear to me that I treat myself the way my mother treated me that day. I slap myself around everytime I begin to feel a negative emotion. I also seem to be telling myself to “shut up and move on” when it comes to trying to figure out this life thing.
During meditation on Monday night, I was having these intense thoughts at being angry at my father for having kids under the pretense that they would one day take care of him. That he would have kids so they could have more than he did. I was angry at that because that puts a lot of pressure on a person to “be something”. As if life isn’t hard enough. Of course all parents want more for their kids than the had, but it’s no guarantee and if it doesn’t happen, the feelings of guilt and failure can be overwhelming. At least for me they are.