At this point, I’m still unsure of where I’m living. Reason tells me I should move back with my sister. Stubbornness tells me to stay in Santa Cruz even if finding a place here has been beyond disappointing. What is known is that the child in me is definitely running the show. She reminds me that nothing ever works out for me or that things don’t go my way, and when they do, it’s a glitch.
At yesterdays therapy session I realized that, in the past, I was able to handle things not working out because there was a balance. Some things worked out, and somethings didn’t. Plus I wasn’t worried about the basics like finances or where I was living. Since I don’t have that strong sense of self, now that the shit has hit the fan and everything doesn’t seem to be working out, I have run right into a state of childlike desperation. It’s the whole re-parenting again.
I am so new to this re-parenting thing that I don’t implement it in times like these. It feels awkward and strange and I can’t seem to shift from being in the emotion to stepping outside it and actually taking care of myself. I keep confusing re-parenting with a superficial “things will be okay” attitude. You know the kind, the “just think it and be it” variety.
What seems to be intersecting though is my ACA work. I’ve been reading more on it and it’s appropriate that I’m learning about my role in the family and how I learned how to create a false-self complete with coping mechanisms that no longer work for me.
I’ve still had trouble sleeping. I get to bed around 9 and sometimes I can fall asleep ok, but I’m consistently waking up at 3 am. Frustrating to say the least.