Moving back in a forwards direction

I have no idea what I’ve been running on these past few days (and it wasn’t pills, pot, or alcohol). I looked at over 15 room shares and just as I thought each one couldn’t get worse. it did. (Well, that’s a familiar theme!) I’m talking moldy bathrooms, chewed up stained carpets, rusty tubs, filled sinks. Share situations where it’s just one person up to 11 people. Communal living to “don’t use the kitchen or living room” and even a swingers pad. No cable, no cell reception, a washer but no dryer. I was so angry that people could treat a home so disrespectfully! I appreciate housing, how do these people take it for granted by letting it fall apart?!? There were 2 houses I liked, but they chose to take a different renter, After this whole mess, I broke down twice this weekend. “What the FUCK! I HATE THIS SHIT!!!” Why can’t I make basic life work?

I know I’m in a depression, as well as a state of transition(s), and in a place of downtime (stepping back from my life). I need so much healing to do before I can even begin to know if I want to stay in my career of study or change into something else altogether. To some degree I’m ok with it, but when I’m around co-workers and I see how they handle stress it raises my anxiety. When they talk about their homes, spouses, parties, and getting into MFT programs, I feel like a huge looser then the anxiety and depression come creeping back.

Well, last night I did find a rental that was perfect. Right price, right size, right location, (never mind the second roommate reminded me of a total “Heather”). The girl said the place was mine if I wanted it and I accepted. Then I went to bed feeling anxiety and butterflies in my stomach. It was an uneasy feeling.

So today I wrote out several weekly schedules (scenarios) of what things will look like if I lived in this town (which I so love) and what things will look like if I go home. Strangely enough, it helped me realize that the best thing for me is to go home.

No, it isn’t perfect. I’ll be living in a town that has nothing I like in it for a job I hate. I’ll be living in a cluttered (bordering on hoarding) home, and living with my sister who is a major trigger to my pain and depression. But I get more out of living at home than if I stay here. Basically I want to get rid of this debt and confront my family issues more than I want to live here. Plus, I’ll be here 3 times a week for my classes and therapy sessions and once my debt is gone, I can always move back with better finances and more opportunity to find a good living situation. Somehow, I’m okay with this decision. For now.

I think a large part of it has to do with coming closer to understanding what it means to acknowledge, understand and accept (not adopt) my family’s dysfunction. I cannot change it. But I would like to move towards not living in the past, leaving behind what does not work for me, and bringing forward those things that do. Finding who I truly am and learning what my purpose is.

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