Forgiveness

It’s the first day of the last month of the year. As I usually do around this time of year, I opened up my planner and plugged in birthdays for the upcoming new year. As I flipped through the months, I couldn’t help but think of this year’s events. 2010 was a big, old, vengeful sadist.

In December 2009, when I was plugging in birthdays for 2010, had I known what was ahead of me for that year, oh how I would have done so many things differently. Some things seem unavoidable, but others could have used some tweaking. But hindsight is 20-20 right? I was listening to a talk by Vinny Ferraro on forgiveness and he quoted Jack Kornfield, saying “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.” Yeah, I could benefit from forgiving myself for a lot of what I went through in 2010.

So here I was writing in the 2011 birthdays and I really kept from trying to imagine what lies ahead in this upcoming new year.  Most of me doesn’t want to know. I’m afraid of things being worse than this year. I also don’t believe that what I am experiencing  will be over with the end of this year. No, this thing I’m on is a long journey. I keep being reminded of that in everything I hear and read.

Another part of me is slightly hopeful in the bigger picture becoming just a little clearer. It’s not unlike those hand-held plastic sliding picture puzzles where you have a jumbled image divided into small squares. You have to slide the squares around, swapping spaces aimlessly for a while before you have an idea of what your even looking at. That’s my life right now.

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