Movement in a direction

Attachment and Neglect:

At my last therapy session, I talked about how consumed I’ve been with thoughts of my ex-boyfriend and last “arrangement”. I miss my ex-boyfriend sometimes (like now) and I’m still left so bewildered at what happened. I felt like it was the closest I’ve ever been to a really healthy balanced relationship. Then it was gone. That situation has left me very gun-shy in regards to being in a happy relationship.

My last “arrangement” was much different. He was distant, selfish, and overall everything I don’t need. Everytime we were together I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. He was so hard to please and I felt like I was not enough. Why was I thinking of him so much? Why am I so enmeshed with him?

Through the talk with my therapist we discussed what I already knew. He was a representation of my father who is/was judgemental, hard to please, critical, and whom I felt that I could never do things right by his standards. But we scratched that surface a little more.

What I realized was, if  I described the relationship with my “arrangement” to a family member, they would most likely say “Get out of there! You don’t need that! Kick him to the curb! You deserve better!” Hell I even said that to myself when I was seeing him. But if I told that same story to my family and just replaced “arrangement” with “Dad” they would say “Well that’s just how he is. You know he loves you. You need to stop being so mean.” It was in realizing this, that I was able to see my situation from the perspective of a witness self. I was looking at me from outside rather than drowning in the emotions. I also realized that I have been buying that same story for years (my whole life)! Even though I’ve been doing ACA work,  I finally was able to acknowledge and accept that it was not okay how I was treated as  child. I was neglected, judged, and criticized despite it being unintentional.

On top of that I was able to look at my core self and say “Wow, I have a choice in seeing this jerk, you had no choice in your relationship with dad. You were just a child.” Somehow that realization has relaxed my grip in holding onto the rut of thoughts I was having about my faux relationship with my “arrangement”.

Meditation:

I have made a greater effort to practice meditation more frequently. It usually takes me about 10-15 minutes to let my mind settle, but I forgot how important it is to practice bringing me back to me. Everytime I catch myself thinking, planning, etc. I gently tell myself “Okay brain you have all day with me, just give me a few minutes with myself.” and I re-focus on my breathing and the sensations in my body. It’s a dance, back and forth, but so important! The more I do this, the more I am able to be compassionate with myself in other things.

Gym:

I finally signed up at the local gym and started my first class. I prefer classes to going solo, but I would like to get back to the exercises my last trainer set-up for me too. I managed to gain 6 pounds since the move, which was expected. I’ve been emotionally eating, big time. I mean A LOT! Plus my job has me sitting all day – literally.

My slow return to the gym was absolute laziness which I blamed on my depression. “I don’t want to do anything! I don’t feel like doing anything!” I told my therapist. But what I was blaming on depression had more to it. What she helped me realize was that, not only was I depressed, but I wasn’t seeing myself as important enough to care for.

Let’s hope I find myself important enough to keep going to the gym.

ACA

I finally cracked open that big red ACA book and I have no idea why it took so long. I felt such comfort in reading it and was moved to tears. So far it feels like an old friend that gives me hope and understanding.

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