Loosing what I never had

I was driving to my ACA meeting when a song began playing on the radio that reminded my of a little girl I knew back in my pre-teen years. She was about 5 years old at the time and her parents were Polynesian dancers and practiced karate. This family would perform with a troupe and it was always the highlight of their performances when this little 5 year old girl would come out in her hula outfit dancing one fierce hula.

In remembering her I thought, “How did that little girl have the courage to get out there and do her thing in front of so many people? I would be so scared. How beautiful that must have been to be brought up with something the whole family did together. She was probably praised a lot.”

Then, in that moment, I realized that, not only have I been grieving my current losses (people & situations), but I’m also grieving the loss of my childhood. A childhood that could have nurtured me and my interests, but instead cultivated my insecurities, fear, self-doubt, and self-hate.

Now I can’t go back and change it; It happened just as it did. But I do realize that I have to grieve the loss of something I never had.

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