Isolated

For the last week and a half I have been feeling a bit more “off” than usual. It’s that familiar “life is too big, I have no place here, I am so alone” feeling. In the morning I wake up and dread my life. I try to make the best of it, but it feels like I’m lying and ignoring myself. I can tell I am keeping a depressive episode at bay that will eventually take me over. I look at  people around me and I feel like I’m at a zoo and they are the display on how “normal” people act.

For the most part its the loneliness and my lack of purpose. I know the holidays doesn’t help. Everyone talks about the parties they are going to, the family they will be with. Hmmm, nope. I won’t be doing either one. I can’t help but be reminded that people like to be around those that make them feel good. Apparently, I don’t make people feel good. I can’t relate to people around me which doesn’t help. I just feel like a big ‘ol reject.

My therapist reminds me that there is nothing wrong with me. She reminds me that I walk the narrow path as opposed to the well-worn wide path that most of society uses. She reminds me that it can be a lonely path but that there are others like me and that I need to be around more people like that. I am also reminded that ACA’s tend to feel “different” and also have a tendency to isolate themselves.

But that feeling of being “different” is overwhelmingly isolating. I can bend to be more social with people I can’t relate to, but who bends and makes an effort to be around me?

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