This past week or so has been really difficult. I can say the holiday had something to do with it. My own brain also has something to do with it. An intensely heavy presence of loneliness was over me, and to a degree still is (I know I mentioned this before).

That loneliness combined with my absolute hatred of my life situation is a deadly combination. Oh and I do mean that literally. The big “s” made its presence known for several days. Almost every morning I wake with anxiety and the big looming fact that I have no life.

Earlier this week my therapist mentioned to me that I was being distant and disconnected. Basically that I wasn’t present. I didn’t think I was. I didn’t feel I was. But the scary thing is, when I get to this place, where depression takes over, I can get so disconnected that I don’t even realize it. The obvious things I’m aware of like; isolating, not doing things I normally like to do, etc. But sitting with  my therapist? I thought I was always present there.

Last night at my ACA workbook group, I mentioned how I am just not willing to surrender to a higher power and I’m not willing to do what it takes to put me first. I am just so tired of working on me (I also mentioned this at my last therapy session). I just get to that point where I feel like it’s all bullshit and I’m just fucked up. My therapist said I am pushing myself aside again, I don’t feel worth my own time, I feel like a nuisance and burden, and that this is how I learned to treat myself based on how I was raised. True. But how do you get out of that when that is all you know and you don’t even care anymore?

One of my fellow ACA’s said to me “I hear a lot of anger”. You know what? Fuck yeah I’m angry. I’m angry at my past partners. I’m angry at who I chose as partners. I’m angry at my boss. I’m angry at my family, I’m angry at my co-workers, I’m angry at myself. I’m pissed that I have no motivation or passion for anything. I’m angry that I no longer want to do the profession I went to school for and still owe money for. I’m angry that I’m almost 40 and have nothing to show for my life. I’m pissed as hell that I’m alone – still. I’m angry that I live in a shit hole town rather than the place that I liked. I am angry that I feel dead inside. And that’s just the beginning.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Rob
    Dec 30, 2010 @ 17:33:03

    We’ll have to talk about this one-I may just have some insight-I’ll call you-I won’t be messy like on x-mas!Love ya!


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