At a previous session, me and my therapist discussed my religious background and spiritual beliefs. Specifically, what my definition of God is. This came up since I mentioned that I was having a tough time with the spiritual aspects of ACA. I like that ACA does not impose any religious beliefs on people, but the words God and Higher Power are used and it just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve talked with other ACA members and some have told me that they were agnostic or atheist and have their own definitions of a Higher Power. I still can’t shake this negative connotation with these terms though.
Anyhow, I described my concept of a Higher Power to my therapist as a life energy that has no human characteristics like feelings, opinions, or emotions. It just is, like a flower that blooms or a dead cat mashed in the road. Things just happen. Her observation was that my definition of a Higher Power sounds like me. At our last session she mentioned how we define God or a High Power as we see ourselves.
Then there’s the other God. The one I grew up with that was judgemental and punishing. That one I do not believe to be real, but it is so ingrained in my psyche that there is a place in myself that wonders “well, maybe…”. This version of God is the one that I see being used to control and oppress people. I see parents use this God to threaten their kids as was done with me. then my therapist pointed out that I do the same with myself. Despite my rejection of this God, I still feel the oppression of it.
So I have two Higher Powers really. One that is judgmental and punishing, and another that has no emotions, feelings, or opinions. I’m reluctant to have faith in some loving blessing Higher Power, because that’s just too convenient. It feels like believing in unicorns or something. So I dunno where things will go with this. It’s definitely not what I expected to be delving into at this point, but I knew it was inevitable.