The re-occurring theme in my life is that of me being so incredibly cruel to myself. I am my worst critic, my harshest judge, and I don’t cut myself any slack. It’s the tone of my family as I grew up, and despite the family tone softening up after many years, this tone resonates within me loud and clear.
I know I’ve said this before. I just can’t remember in what post it was, but my tendency to be so mean to myself is a combination of my childhood experiences with religion being used as punishment; consistent criticism; and emotional neglect.
It was a couple of years ago that I became aware that I am cruel with myself. It hurt when I realized that I say harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to others. I can’t even keep track of how many times in a day I will tell myself how stupid I am, how lame I am, how fat I am, you are a looser, why did you do or choose this or that, etc. Get the picture?
At this week’s ACA workbook meeting we went over the Laundry List and talked a bit about “fear of abandonment”. Yep, I relate to that one. I do frequently choose partners that are emotionally unavailable. In the past I would do anything to avoid loosing my partner until it became too painful to keep holding on. More recently, I notice that I avoid getting close to someone so as not to get attached and therefore not have to “lose” them.
On the way home I made the connection that, not only do I fear that other people will abandon me, but I am also scared of letting that cruel part of me go for fear of losing myself. It’s quite the conundrum as the part of me I am afraid of losing is already abandoning me. So basically, letting go of the abandoning part of me, feels like I am abandoning me.
Tonight someone said to me (in regards to this situation) “It’s like being the hole in the doughnut.” Exactly! Take away the doughnut and what do I have?