Animus Rears It’s Sneaky Head

During my last therapy session, we analyzed a dream I had a few nights ago. I’m typically not into dream analysis as I find it to be a bit like reading too much into something (which sounds weird coming from me of all people).

Anyhow, this dream stood out to me quite a bit and I trust my therapist enough to try new things with her, so I decided to try it again. It was interesting to see how parts of what I am going through were played out in this dream. There were too many details for me to go into here, but in general, aspects of my feeling helpless and humiliated as a child were there. What was really interesting to me though was the presence of the issue of masculinity.

In my dream I was at the open door of a men’s bathroom trying to get in to save my nephew, but I couldn’t. There was a strong overwhelming presence of not being allowed to go in there. I could feel an invisible force keeping me from going in.

She brought up the animus component of the anima & animus human archetypes. Despite being somewhat familiar with this concept, I felt a little lost, but overall like we were onto something. We talked a bit about how masculine energy can be sucked out of females if certain things happen to us such as being violated by it or dominated by it. Don’t quote me on this as I am still trying to understand it better.

I thought this was a timely subject as earlier in the week I had written a list of things I wanted to do in 2011 and one of those things on the list was “explore my masculine side”. Exploring and studying gender is one of the few (if not only) things that still brings me pleasure.

I remember in middle school I went through an androgynous phase where I wore boys clothes a lot. I wouldn’t do it again until college for Halloween and a class project, and then in 2001 when I performed in a drag show. Last night as I was getting ready to go meet some friends, I felt this urge to explore my male persona again, and so I did. It’s always amazing to me how my internal energy shifts when I do this. A large part of me still feels like my feminine me, but there is this veil of owning my space that is more present. I’m still insecure but with an “I don’t give a fuck – I dare you” attitude. I’m not sure what all that means yet, but what I do know is that I was happy. Even after wiping the sideburns off my face and slapping on mascara and eyeshadow, I felt more confident. I went out that night more at ease than I have in a long time.

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