Confusion and Clarity

A few days ago I was talking with someone and during this conversation I said to her “You’ll know when you’re ready.” The only reason I even said this was because it made sense.

A few days later I was out of town and decided to do some journal work. Afterward, I read past entries from 2002. I was honestly surprised at the fact that everything I wrote then I could be writing right now. Back then I was writing about how I felt empty and alone, wanted to change careers because I wasn’t feeling any passion for it anymore, how I was frustrated with my family and that I was tired of not being heard. I made references to concepts that I wasn’t aware that I knew of then like the inner-child and re-parenting.

A part of me was on the verge of tears at the fact that I’m still struggling with these issues and “why haven’t I learned YET!” Am I going to keep struggling with this? Then as I was driving home my words came back to me, “You’ll know when you’re ready”.

One of the more frustrating things for me is that everytime I get some clarity, what follows is a state of confusion. I fumble through my life and every once in a while, I encounter clarity. I feel good when this happens, like everything is going to be okay and that I can do this “life” thing. Then a few days go by and slowly but surely, I find myself stumbling through life again, confused and feeling hopeless. That cycle is extremely exhausting.

When I heard myself say “You’ll know when you’re ready”,  what I began to understand was that I have a lot to learn and I am not able to take it all in at once. All this clarity and confusion was the result of being handed the bigger picture in bite size pieces. I don’t think that there is an outside force that is determining how much I can handle. It’s more that, developmentally, I could only understand so much. It’s like school in that you are taught what you can learn at the right age, they don’t give you algebra in 1st grade.

So this is why, in 2002, I didn’t “get it”. I was getting a taste of my self-understanding but wasn’t sure what to do with it. I’m a little more knowledgable now, but still confused and have so much more to learn.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sally Bartolameolli
    Jan 31, 2011 @ 09:20:05

    Dear Ahimsa, What beautiful writing and I am so comforted to know you are sharing your experience and that our journeys are similar in many ways. In my book, BLESSINGS FROM MARY, which include 365 daily meditations, there are many days where I share a sentence about the same empty, lonely feelings inside and I wonder how I can make a difference with all of these old wounds and ego challenges. Here is one of the meditations that addressed , for me, some of the purpose for my challenges and offered comfort on the journey. Thank you so much for your writing. With love, Sally

    May 29th

    Authentic service for others comes from embracing our own broken-ness.
    Wisdom of Mary Magdalene

    I keep wondering how I can be of service to others when I have my own obsessive and wounded ego to deal with. Part of me wants to be of serv-ice and the other part is always battling with my own demons. I am tired of it and bring this to Mary and my guides.

    “You cannot have it both ways. Either you want to be of service and learn how to be free and open or you want to be liked and to belong which has its intentions some place else.

    You want to serve. We are responding to your desire and request to do so. This means you will confront struggle. Learning to serve means you will come face to face with the ways in which you do not serve and wounded ego is in the way.

    Your heart must be broken open in order to serve. In its broken-ness, there is healing and movement. This is how we learn to serve, by opening a broken heart to the fresh air of life and breath.

    In the openness is the learning of compassion, honor and care of self. Serving comes from fullness of heart and spirit. Fullness spills over to all.”

    Reply

    • Ahimsa
      Feb 18, 2011 @ 16:29:43

      Hi Sally, I just wanted to say thank you for your comment. I didn’t approve it only because I wasn’t sure if you were ok with your name showing up on the comment. If it’s ok with you I’ll approve it to be posted. Thanks again and your website is beautiful!

      Reply

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