A few days ago I was talking with someone and during this conversation I said to her “You’ll know when you’re ready.” The only reason I even said this was because it made sense.
A few days later I was out of town and decided to do some journal work. Afterward, I read past entries from 2002. I was honestly surprised at the fact that everything I wrote then I could be writing right now. Back then I was writing about how I felt empty and alone, wanted to change careers because I wasn’t feeling any passion for it anymore, how I was frustrated with my family and that I was tired of not being heard. I made references to concepts that I wasn’t aware that I knew of then like the inner-child and re-parenting.
A part of me was on the verge of tears at the fact that I’m still struggling with these issues and “why haven’t I learned YET!” Am I going to keep struggling with this? Then as I was driving home my words came back to me, “You’ll know when you’re ready”.
One of the more frustrating things for me is that everytime I get some clarity, what follows is a state of confusion. I fumble through my life and every once in a while, I encounter clarity. I feel good when this happens, like everything is going to be okay and that I can do this “life” thing. Then a few days go by and slowly but surely, I find myself stumbling through life again, confused and feeling hopeless. That cycle is extremely exhausting.
When I heard myself say “You’ll know when you’re ready”, what I began to understand was that I have a lot to learn and I am not able to take it all in at once. All this clarity and confusion was the result of being handed the bigger picture in bite size pieces. I don’t think that there is an outside force that is determining how much I can handle. It’s more that, developmentally, I could only understand so much. It’s like school in that you are taught what you can learn at the right age, they don’t give you algebra in 1st grade.
So this is why, in 2002, I didn’t “get it”. I was getting a taste of my self-understanding but wasn’t sure what to do with it. I’m a little more knowledgable now, but still confused and have so much more to learn.