I feel like I’ve been through the spin cycle lately. I’ve had so many topic I wanted to post on, but either had no time or energy to do so. I’m still meeting with ACA twice a week (one ACA workbook group and one ACA meeting), talking with my therapist twice a week, and going to Sunday group mediation when I can.
I’m very confused about how I’m feeling right now and the best way I can explain it is that I feel like I’m dreaming. “This can’t be my life” is a regular thought of mine, but it’s not in a denial sort of way, it’s more of a “really? this is it?” tone.
If you’ve been reading this blog, you’ll know that confusion isn’t new to me. In fact, It’s been a year since my break down. At times I feel angry that I am still passionless about life and still don’t know what I want to do. At times I feel so sad that my life has changed so much in the past 12 months and I am no longer the same person that I once was. At times I am so scared of the space between that seems to have been suspended itself for the last 12 months and counting. It’s as if I’ve died and no one told me.
Then, on a few rare occasions, I feel okay. Okay with the unknown and okay in knowing that I am not my thoughts and I am not myself. Okay with not being my job, my choices, or my seemingly lack of. Then the reality of daily living comes back and I’m back in the thick of it.