As I was driving home from the ACA workbook group tonight I began to think about how angry I was with my sister on Monday again. When it originally happened yesterday I was a fluster of emotions and grasping at solutions/skills that I have been learning. I was trying to remember what I’ve learned but it was difficult to hear me amongst the chaos of emotions in my brain.
My friend commented on yesterday’s post reminding me to use my Jedi skills of suspending emotions (aka my witness self, aka my inner parent). I had a few things to do that day so I put my emotions aside long enough to do what I needed to then checked in with myself throughout the day. “Hey there, how you doing with that thing that happened? You okay?” I was calmer than before despite still being hurt. I later noticed that this skill was much different from denial in that I wasn’t denying the emotions, I simply held it at a distance that was close enough to observe rather than so close that I’m drowning.
Thankfully I had a counseling appointment that day which helped me to process the incident with my sister. This gave me some new beliefs to work with since I was stuck in some old beliefs.
By the end of yesterday there was some balance there, but I could sense that there was still some teetering going on. For this reason I wasn’t too surprised that the incident was coming back to me tonight. This time I quickly noticed the thoughts and remembered what my friend mentioned on Sunday about approaching negativity with compassion. I began to simply acknowledged the thoughts as a kind compassionate witness/parent self. “Wow, you sound really angry” I told myself. “I can tell you are still hurt by what happened. Well, I’m here for you. I’m right here, let it out if you need.” I continued with this dialogue feeling the anger in me subside a little, cry a little, act out a little and holding no judgement to it. Then slowly I found myself slipping out of feeling and into thinking.
“You know, if you just had your shit together, you wouldn’t be having to deal with this!” Whoa there was that harsh critic/inner parent again, but this time I remembered what I learned at Sunday’s dharma talk and laughed. “You’re thinking about it because you’re trying to justify not letting it be and letting it go.” So I gently went back to feeling and letting the emotion be. All the way home I stayed with it.
I’m not saying that I am “over” this emotional charge that came from Monday’s sister incident. But I am very grateful that I’m more able to bring forth my nurturing parent/witness self.
It’s funny because usually when I’m feeling good, I am in fear of the decent into sadness and frustration. but this time I want something to upset me so I can keep exercising this nurturing self. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of opportunities so I better be careful what I ask for.