Disconnect

The past few days have been awkward. I was feeling a bit off (disconnected) again. I was thinking about my past when I was financially stable, fit, enjoyed my job, more outgoing, and having fun with my life. I’m so not any of these thing now and I miss it.

Then I was at the bookstore flipping through a book on listening to your emotions and the author stated something to the effect of “depression that is left untreated (un-medicated) gets worse over time.”  This freaked me out since I’m no longer taking medication. I wondered how accurate this is and if I could handle another breakdown.

My therapist mentioned that she noticed I was not present and we talked about it a bit. Instead of attacking myself with negative judgments like before, I just don’t feel present. Basically I am disconnected again and telling myself “I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling better.” I pass myself off just like my family did (“I can’t deal with her, you take her.”) She also suggested that since I have been learning a lot lately, I may have reached my edge and became scared and took a few steps back. She reminded me to just notice that I am doing this (not judging), and that it’s okay to be where I am, even if it’s uncomfortable.

In a sense I am doing that in that I have an undercurrent feeling of “things will change, just hang in there”, but it’s being present that I need help with. Meditation helps so much with that but I don’t do enough of it.

Can I vent a bit though? I fucking hate my job. I sit at my desk and think “This is not my life!!!” I feel like it’s sucking the life out of me. I want to jump into whatever my purpose is, but I have no idea what it is.

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