It never ceases to amaze me how, just when I feel like I’ve got some kind of ground under my feet, I get swept off of them again. I just had my Prosperity Pioneers meeting where we did a “Big Mind” session that I found to be quite interesting. If nothing else comes up, or if this process comes up again, I’ll make a post on “Big Mind”.
Anyhow, I was home from that meeting when I noticed an e-mail from someone I was involved with romantically (using that term very loosely) a few months back. This person was a source of much pain for me and it was just an overall bad situation. I was extremely surprised since I had resigned to end that months ago and figured I’d never hear from him again. So when he asked if we could give things a new start, I just didn’t know what to do. I believe people can initiate change in their life, but I also believe people can talk a good talk.
We agreed to go on a date and check things out. On our date he seemed like a totally different person than before. I told him how I didn’t like our past arrangement and don’t want to repeat that again. I explained how I want a real relationship in my life. He explained that he realized I was the kind of person he could settle down with and wanted to make a real effort to make it happen. In the end, we decided to give it a shot.
Forward to the next date and I was just not feeling any connection from him. He was a bit distant and nowhere near as expressive as before. I got the feeling that he must have felt that he bit off more than he can chew. A case of careful what you wish for.
As the day went on I was starting to see how he is such a culmination of all my past bad relationships. Not in a projecting way, but in a real manifested way. I saw the coldness, the neglect, and the narcissism of everyone before him.
Now I knew I would be taking a huge risk in getting involved with this person again. Back when we first started, I was aware than he was a representation of my Dad. His presence takes up the whole room and I would shrink around him. He is assertive, dominating, critical, rigid, and passionate like my Dad, and like a child, I was clamoring for his approval. This time around was no different as I could feel my strong attachment to his certainty with everything. How could I not be attracted to that when I’m so uncertain about everything?
I drove home that day crying out of frustration and confusion. How did I let myself get into this again? How could I believe that he could actually be different? Am I over reacting? Am I just too fucked up to be in a relationship? Memories of my past relationships kept coming to me and I thought of my mom and how trapped and miserable she must have been.
The next day was no better. My anxiety kept me in bed long enough to be late to work and all day I was a mess of emotions. Thankfully I had a therapy session that day. During the session I let it all out. Every embarrassing thought, sadness, and fear. My therapist told me things that my mind already knew, but my heart was just not accepting.
What I love about my therapist is she never tells me what to do, even if the healthiest choice is obvious. Instead she allows me to process. As always she reminded me that it’s okay to be in these confusing and painful emotions, given the circumstances. She shed light on the fact that this experience was triggering my wounds and that I was grieving the loss of past partners. Then she asked me to look at my “Standards of Integrity” list again and see if this person shares any of these qualities. What I saw was that he had 1 or 2 of my 8 qualities. Hmmm. That’s interesting.
What does this mean? I dunno really, but it made things a little clearer as to why this is so painful. It is my past and present colliding into each other. So I let myself grieve and was as gentle with myself as possible. Which is hard because I just wanted to keep blaming myself for not being strong enough to not be reactive to his behavior.
Sure there was some minor improvement in his actions, but it leaves me asking if that’s enough. Can beggars be choosers? Am I still begging for scraps? Really? I see his positive and negative attributes and I keep wanting to reside in the positive, but truth is, his negative aspects may be just too negative for me. They trigger all my core wounds and when I acknowledge that, I begin to feel weak again. Urgh.
Knowing me, I’ll bleed this out slowly even though it will most likely end abruptly. In the end, what I really want is to be able to speak my mind and say what I need in kindness, without being reactive to his behavior. I know I’m not there yet, and I may not be there with him. But I am grateful for my support people because I’m really going to need them as I go through this.