I had an emotional relapse on Sunday. It started with feeling anxious and uncomfortable and ended up in a full blown depression. Emotionally I was back to where I started the day that I broke down a year ago. I haven’t felt that deep of a depression in a few months. Numb, detached, anxious, and sad yes. But full blown depressed, no. In my depression I have suicidal thoughts and feel like that is “normal” and will never go away.
I was experiencing the full impact of feeling and believing that I’m unwanted. This person who has entered back into my life is triggering all my insecurities and fears like never before. He doesn’t need to do much for me to feel unwanted and I’ve been trying to “deal” with it, but somehow I just couldn’t do it anymore. Then things snowballed into hating my job, my living situation, not having passion for anything, having no idea what my purpose is, my finances, and my life. I was filled with terror about not being able to care for myself. Is this it??
I managed to call and speak with a couple of my support people. Specifically my therapist, a fellow ACA, and a couple of friends. It helped to talk with people who understood what I was going through, but the overwhelming feeling of being lonely still remained. I didn’t go to my meditation group because I was exhausted and my eyes were so swollen.
The next day I managed to get to the gym even though my workout was sluggish and incomplete. I also made it to work but I was in so much emotional and physical pain. My eyes were still puffy and they were so sore that I had to keep them closed several times throughout the day. My lower back was aching and my head was pulsing. I was so fatigued and sleepy that I couldn’t concentrate. Even during my therapy session I hardly said a word. Just a few grunts of “yes” or “no”. We sat in silence for a while and I didn’t feel like talking or processing or anything. I was so cut-off from myself and everything around me.
That evening was a Prosperity night and I almost didn’t make it. I was not in the mood for being around a group of people stirring up positive affirmations. I was afraid I’d get so pissed I’d storm out. But when it came down to it, I felt like I had to go. I made a commitment and I was gonna honor it. I’m glad I did. Somehow, as soon as I walked into the room and sat down, I felt a small sense of breathing space. I think they call it “being held”.
We talked about money as a lover. What kind of relationship do we have with it? How does it feel about us and how do we feel about it? Then we were asked to write out what kind of relationship we want to have with money. How do we want to feel about it and how do we want it to feel about us? It was a tough assignment since “relationships” are kind of a traumatic subject for me right about now. But I managed to eek out an image based on what I feel an ideal relationship should look and feel like.
Anyhow, the thing that really did it for me though was when we broke into our regular small groups. I saw an experience that shifted a piece of awareness for me. Through a Gestalt exercise I suddenly realized that my defense mechanism of shutting down and numbing out was protecting me and that I can actually thank it instead of judging myself for using it.
I think I can try to do that even if I am still tired and very slowly taking my hands away from my eyes.