A Pain That I’m Used To

The last couple of weeks have been quite the roller coaster of emotions, with the lows being more prominent than the highs. Much more prominent.

As I have said before, I have given an ex-lover (M) another chance after he popped back into my life claiming that he was wanting and ready to “make this work”. The events of last few days have been the most intense and have really put me in a place where I feel so raw and afraid. I will do my best to not go into unnecessary details about what happened. I am also aware that as I write this out, it is so high-school, so I apologize in advance.

Me and M were watching TV when I asked him question. He didn’t reply and continued to watch TV. I immediately felt stupid and debated if I should as again. I decided not to, but did ask another question a few minutes later. Again, no reply. So I immediately said “Okay, I just asked you two questions and you didn’t answer me”. To which he responded “That’s because I’m trying not to listen to you”.

He might as well have punched me in the stomach. I felt the breath knocked out of me and I just turned away from him and cried as quietly as I could to myself. My mid emotions and thoughts were swirling inside me and I was desperately trying to piece out how much of this was his shit and how much of this was mine. Was I over-reacting? Was he?All I knew was that I was hurt.

When the segment was over he gave me an”I’m sorry babe” which provoked a defensive snappy response from me of “Yeah that was fucking rude”. We went on to snap back and forth to each other with him saying that he was trying to “not listen to me” earlier as well as we were watching a Lakers game and me telling him how it’s inconsiderate to ignore someone talking to him. Side note: As we watched the game earlier, I was VERY considerate and hardly said a word while he talked to me most of the time.

The rest of the night was spent with me trying to sleep with the feeling of my heart beating so hard inside my throat. Everytime I was about to get to a place of sleep I was startled awake by a memory of a past boss/boyfriend/family member telling me to shut up or doing something that minimized me. I didn’t realize until the next day that I was having a PTSD moment.

I also tried to check in with my inner-self (child) but she was nowhere to be found. She was scared shitless and was in no way going to make herself or her voice present. It was as if she was saying, “you’re crazy, I’m not going out there. It’s not safe”. And she was so right.

Before I left in the morning I told him that I wanted to clear things up but didn’t want to do at that moment. The rest of the day I was nothing but a shell of a person. My car was at my out-of-town mechanic’s all day so I was wandering around town numb, tired, and on the brink of tears. I did get an “I’m sorry” e-mail from him later in the day, but it does little for me.

Now, you’d think this was enough pain for me to experience, but no. Later that night I’m checking Facebook and I see that he’s made several posts stating “I will love you always” and “I wish you were here to keep me warm”. So I sent him a message asking who he was talking about. He replied telling me that he and his yoga teacher will never be together and that this doesn’t change how he feels about me. Funny thing is I wasn’t surprised or even hurt as I thought I would be. I think I was too hurt already to be hurt more.

This story could have been told years ago with a different playing the his role. I know this story, I know this role and all I could think was “not this again”.


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