Things are still unsteady for me right now but there has been a shift. As I lay in bed yesterday staring at the wall thinking about the most recent events, I heard myself say “This is coming up so you can heal the wounds you’ve been dragging around for years. All your past hurts of feeling neglected are coming forward to be healed and make way for better things in your life.”
I have no idea where that came from, but I was grateful that a part of myself was still salvaged enough to let in come through. In these last weeks I have been trying desperately to hold on to whatever scrap of myself was left. Since M has re-appeared in my life, I have known what I need to do (dump him and run), but felt that I wasn’t ready to. The though of ending it conjured up images of shoving my arm up a pregnant woman’s vagina and yanking her baby out. It just felt too violent.
But yesterday, when I heard myself speak these encouraging words, I began to feel like maybe I might be okay and let this woman give birth on her own.In the beginning I didn’t think this baby was me, but I now see that it is.
I decided to spend the day visiting a few good people, which did so much for me. I met with one of my fellow ACAs and I was telling her how, before M came back into my life, I felt like I had just pushed this huge boulder out of my way and I was finally able to begin knowing me and genuinely loving me. Now I feel like that boulder was actually a pebble. Her response was “Well, that’s because at the time you were smaller, so that pebble looked like a boulder. You’ve grown, so now it looks smaller.” It was one of those moments where I was blown away. I guess I have grown and now have a new boulder to move.
Later that night I met with another friend from the Prosperity program and we had a great conversation, just getting to know each other more, and found that we have so much in common. It was good to hear her perspective on things as it added more clarity to my situation. She reminded me that M feels like he can’t get women out of his league and (despite saying he isn’t) is acting as if he is settling with choosing me. When he talked to me about getting back together, I had this feeling that he was coming at it from this perspective. He told me “I don’t want to win the lottery, I want to work for my paycheck.” To which I replied, “But I am the lottery, and your paycheck, social security, and 401k.”
She also mentioned that, in love, she wants progress. Hearing this reminded me that I used to want this too and for a while, I felt I was making progress. I know that M can feel inadequate at times, and overcompensated by being over-confident and narcissistic. I’m sure there is a part of him that thinks he;s doing me a favor by being with me, but truth is, what he has to offer me is regression, not progress.
Lastly, it occurred to me that, despite being really hurt, I could actually be grateful for him bringing out in me what needs to be healed.
I’m not saying that I’m all better now, but I am in place where I’m going back and forth between uncertainty and certainty. One moment I feel empowered and whole, then next I feel scared and alone. It’s uncomfortable, exhausting, and annoying, but it’s movement.
Oh and before I end this post, I want to mention that, despite being unsure about this “higher power” stuff, I had a moment where I took a deep breath and laughed as I thought, “you must really think something of me to believe I can handle this.”