Fear

I had my counseling/therapy session today and expressed my concern for this place I am in. Although I feel more certain about what I need to do and ready to do it, I am worried about the aftermath.

Grieving a loss is never easy, pretty, or fun. I’ll have to grieve the loss of any hope or dreams I had for this re-connection. I’ll have to grieve the loss of loosing another person in my life. Another good-bye.

I’m worried about the “oh shit, what did I do” thoughts and feelings that come after a separation (even if we were never connected to begin with).

She reminded me that it’s all a part of life and the process we call life. Healing always takes place and things are never certain. I was reminded of my meditation practice and dharma studies around impermanence. Our ego wants and desires certainty, which is not possible to have.

For a few moments in our session, I thought that maybe I was afraid of the unknown person I’d become after letting old relationship pattern go and finally valuing myself. I don’t know this new self and (s)he is still new at this and I’m sure she’ll make some mistakes. But truth is, I am more afraid of how dark I can go.

I’m more afraid of going into the dark powerful call that death and suicide can overwhelm me with. I fear that place more than anything. My therapist reminded me that even in the moments that I cannot hold myself, that I have people who are holding me. Namely, herself and s few close friends (ACA and non-ACA involved).

So tonight I am supposed to meet M to bring some closure to all this (as much closure as possible). I’ll honestly be surprised if he doesn’t cancel on me, but I’ve given up trying to figure out what goes on in that brain of his.

When I’ve said that M embodies all my past dysfunctional relationships, I mean that literally. When he told me the other night “I’m trying not to listen to you”, I had an immediate flashback to being 23 watching tv with my then fiancée and being told “will you stop talking, I’m trying to watch this movie.” Three years later we broke up. Then both me and my therapist realized that the evidence of my growth is that the time between a hurtful act and my decision to no longer be a participant is shorter. So even if there was no progress in my relationship with him, I’ll call that progress in my relationship to myself.

Here’s to endings, and beginnings, and the continuity of life and death.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rob
    Apr 04, 2011 @ 23:46:43

    For every window you close,a door opens…

    Reply

  2. Rob
    Apr 04, 2011 @ 23:48:16

    That was kinda cheezy..now that I think about it

    Reply

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