Grieving

Breaking up is so shitty. I talked with M Monday night and he basically acknowledged that, yes, he wanted to be with somebody and he thought it was me, then when got back together, whatever connection he thought might be there was gone. He hadn’t said anything to me because a part of him still wanted to make things work.

I let him know that I was hurt, confused, and angry because I could see that he was looking for “someone” and not looking for me. I was leery about getting back together, and his certainty convinced me to take a step into this relationship, and then he backed-off. I also mentioned that I was not going to participate in a situation where I was going to be some consolation prize since he couldn’t be with who he really wants.

Oh and that question I had about “what happened to prompt you to contact me in the first place?” It wasn’t a lover who dumped him. I wasn’t someone who rejected him. It was a situation where he thought he was going to go out-of-town and he didn’t have anyone in his life to take care fo his cat. Yes, it was his cat that made him realize that he doesn’t have a close intimate relationship with someone.

I only write about this because it goes to show how enmeshed I get with people who are shallow. In other words, I always dive into the shallow end of the pool when it comes to relationships.

I felt okay driving home. I felt some relief, some sadness, and some fear. I know I’m gonna miss the small glimpses I caught of a really compassionate person. But I am not going to miss the crossed and mixed signals, and lack of communication on his part.

Since then I am feeling a rollercoaster ride of relief, sadness, calm, loneliness, anxiety, and fear. I am definitely grieving as the little things come up and die away. It’s an adjustment period when you no longer receive e-mails, texts, or voicemails from the person you communicated with semi-regularly. No more “hope you had a great day” messages or “Hey ya wanna catch this movie”? It’s an empty gap when the days that you usually spent time together arrive.

So yes, grieving is here and I’ll be glad when it’s more of a distant memory than a guest who has over-stayed their welcome.

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