Faith or Denial?

I’m still unsure of where I’m at with all this legal stuff going on. I’ve been going through anger, depression, anxiety, confusion, helplessness and today, somehow, acceptance.

Maybe it was after 2 days of lying in bed and feeling overwhelmed as I moped around in my robe.

Maybe it was during the collection of my papers that show how much disability I’ve been getting, how I forwarded the credit company’s letters to my debt relief company, and my scribbled notes on what options I have in dealing with this lawsuit.

Maybe it was during the massage I finally cashed in from a birthday gift certificate I received a few months back.

Maybe it was during meditation and the dharma talk that focused on compassion.

Maybe it was after I prayed. Yes, I prayed and I hate to admit that I am now one of those people who has had to hit a rock bottom of desperation to actually turn to prayer. In reality, it’s a part of the prosperity program I’m in, but I feel like I really have to crank up this internal shift now. It feel awkward, and I still have no concept fo a higher power, but it helps to vent, ya know?

Well, who knows when the shift happened, but at this time, I feel like it’s out of my hands. I can’t control this but I so have some say in how I am acting and feeling about it. From a place of compassion, I can see that i have done nothing wrong and that I have been doing what I can to correct this situation. I mean shit, I moved in with my sister so I could pay off my debts!

From a place of compassion (most importantly to myself) I know I have allowed myself to feel all the crappiness of this situation. And like any good cry, I feel like I have just enough energy to collect my things and move forward. tomorrow there will be calls to make, decisions to make, days and hours off from work to request, more decision to make, and I’m sure, more confusion. But like I said, it’s out of my hands. I must have faith that possibility never leaves me, but that I leave it. I must have faith that this will end in my favor and someday will be just a faint memory of another time when I had to use my voice in my defense. Which begs the question, am I resting in faith or denial?

So this is where I am right now. I have no idea where I’ll be tomorrow or the day after, or month later. I could very well be back at square one feeling hopeless and depressed, but for now, I’m in a place of compassion and awareness of faith.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: In The Sandbox « the lotus experience

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