Well that didn’t last very long.
I was still reeling as I was trying to stand-up from the right hook M landed on me a few weeks ago, and I was barely standing when a lawsuit hit me with its upper cut, but it was a text from someone who I had minimal investment in that gave me a TKO.
The night that I decided to end it with M, I received a text from someone I went on a date with last year. We stayed in touch since our date, but nothing ever went past a friendship. Now, he felt compelled to tell me that he had been thinking of me lately, felt that he was getting to know me better, and wanted to give things another go.
As you can imagine, it was all deja vu for me and I was ion no condition to start something with anyone, much less in this way again. I took it as a “nice to know” and agreed to go out for a drink. My intentions were to stay as friends.
So, despite me not wanting to “date” this person, I was bowled over when earlier this week I received a text from him saying “I decided to give this girl I was seeing a second chance. Sorry for contacting you prematurely. Don’t be mad.”
What exactly happens biologically when time seems to freeze and your heart feels like it hit the floor? Well, whatever happens, it happened to me right then and there. Even though I had no investment in this person, I felt this huge overwhelming feeling of being rejected. I was, once again, hit in a most raw wound of mine. This wound being the belief that I am not good enough and unlovable.
At this point I was pretty much feeling like a kid playing in the sandbox, minding my own business, when not one, not two, but three people in a row walk up to me and kick sand in my face. I started off feeling shocked, then quickly moved into hurt, sad, overwhelmed, hopeless, mad, then angry.
I tried to go to the happy thoughts of “better to know now” or “at least he was honest” but it just wasn’t where I was at. My feelings were full-on. For the next two days I was shut-down. I could tell because it was the feeling of being dead inside. I also didn’t want anyone around me. I’m too gun-shy to even trust anyone and I swear the next person who comes up to me showing any interest is going to get a kick to the face.
Anyhow, I went to my counseling appointment where I bawled about my legal stress and this lame text. the proceeded to my ACA meeting where I continued to cry about how I just feel like such an incredible failure at this “life” thing. I know I’m reacting and I know I’m coming from the perspective of a victim. My core wound is exposed and raw and it keeps getting hit over and over again. I feel like every time I feel like I’m getting just enough ground under me, someone comes along and pushes me down.
Then, right in my ACA meeting, it occurred to me that (duh) I AM reacting from the viewpoint of a child. I literally am experiencing things as my 5-year-old self, when I made the decision that I was unlovable and not good enough based on the behaviors towards me by the adults and others around me.
As far back as I can remember I always felt like I was pushed around. At home my siblings (who were all older than me) who would criticize me and call me names. They would laugh at me or make a joke of me if I expressed a need or an opinion. At school it was pretty similar. I would cry in the morning because I didn’t want to go to school or would come home crying from feeling so rejected. My mom would get angry for making it difficult to get out the door in the morning or would tell me “why do you let them treat you that way?” By 5 I had decided I was a joke, not to be taken seriously, and that I was worthless.
It’s no wonder that I have no “self” to esteem. I am transparent and foundation-less and collapse so easily by others opinions of and actions towards me. I get blown around like a pile of leaves. If I was strong in my self, no one’s thoughts or opinions would matter because I know who I am. But this is not the case, and it’s so hard not go to the “I don’t value myself so I don’t deserve to be here” place.
After ACA I a few people came to comfort me and it is always so healing to allow others to do so. It’s also healing to know that others are experiencing what I am, or have experienced it and have made it through the other side. I am so grateful foe my ACA group. having this allowed me to process and cry and process some more.
I think what I will do today is write down every childhood experience where I felt “pushed around” and then go back and nurture that part of me. I literally need to go back and soothe/nurture my child-self.
And so on, and so on.