Possibility is Everywhere

There is possibility everywhere, and depending on my mood, I either see/feel it or I don’t. It’s exactly what happens when you are in love. When you are in love, everything is love. But when you are heartbroken, it’s hard to see love even if it’s right in front of you. Love and heartbreak are everywhere and you will see what you are. Basically the world is a mirror of you.

This legal thing is still in process, and I don’t know if I’m going to agree to settlement or file for bankruptcy. There is a lot of “shoulda, coulda, woulda” going on in my head and I’m realizing just how much I force myself to do things solo.

In realizing how I force myself to be chronically independent, I see how it limits my ability to see and learn about all my options, ask others for help, get support, and make educated decisions. I put a lot of pressure on me to survive alone which causes me to make decisions based on emotions rather than “reality”. I never realized just how much suffering I put myself through just to prove to myself and others that I can do things on my own. I would run myself into the ground and only reach out for help when I crashed and burned.

I suppose it’s because I felt alone, that I assumed I was alone and had no one to turn to for emotional support. That and the fact that I was seen as a “spoiled brat” by my family and I wanted to prove them wrong. Oh and the whole community/family history of struggle and strength as a basis of survival and success.

Since joining ACA , and having this amazing therapist and circle of friends, I am finally able to understand that, because I am not alone, I will always have people to turn to and ask for advice.

When a situation comes up that throws me off what I need first is emotional support, then I can move on to being open to seeing the possibilities that are around me. That is where I am now.

I notice that I can easily get overwhelmed with information and when I get to that place where I feel like I’m dizzy I know it’s time to stop. I try to remember to tell people that I may need them to slow down and that I have trouble processing if I get too much information too fast. I’ve been getting information, taking a break, trying not to worry about things until my next appointment with a lawyer or consultant, taking a break, writing down and asking questions, taking a break, going to the next appointment, and so on and so on.

At this point I have no idea which direction I’ll choose, but I am aware that possibility is everywhere and all I ask for is the clarity of mind and emotion to be able to see them.

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