Confused Again

Okay so I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen deeper into my depression.

I managed to sleep a total of 21 consecutive hours this weekend and I’ve been so agitated these past few days. I know that when I am unable to be compassionate towards others by being overly judgmental and impatient, it’s because I am feeling that way towards myself.

I am so easily annoyed that I can’t even stand being around me.

The big stress in my life (right now) is due to the fact that in about a week I have to decide on if I am leaving work or not.

If I stay I will have a good paying job, a steady M-F schedule, and health insurance. Work has been able to accommodate me by allowing me to only do administrative duties. Although it is not as challenging as my previous Social worker duties were, it allows me to work. it appears though, that in time my job will require me to perform direct client services again and I know I can’t do that. I am unable to work with other people’s problems anymore as I’m so overwhelmed by my own now. Add to this the fact that, even now, being at work is painful as I have to be around co-workers who are doing what I once did and moving forward by getting promotions, and going to school. It really does hurt to be there.

If I leave work I will be on SSDI, with no health benefits and a limited income. very limited. I will be about $300 shy of being able to move out of my sister’s place. If I leave work it allows me to consider going back to school, and spend more time doing things that nurture my healing.

I dunno. I feel cornered again and really upset that I can’t make a decision. I don’t know what’s good for me and I sure has hell don’t trust my decision making.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: On Family Stories/Pathologies: Victimhood « the lotus experience
  2. Constanza
    May 16, 2011 @ 11:33:33

    Do you want to have time for yourself, and avoid everything else? I’m asking and actually I’m answering, because I do understand, and I’ve been there. Not on work, but college. I left it last year, because I cannot study if I’m not fine with myself, if I’m too depressed. I guess this you too should wonder. Are you gonna be able to study or work in your current state of mind? Maybe the time for yourself’d be good, yet it may be more depressing to be doing nothing. I’m so bad at decisions, but I wanted to leave some words… as in “you’re not alone”.

    Reply

    • Ahimsa
      May 16, 2011 @ 23:52:15

      Thanks for your comment. It does help to hear from others experiencing similar things. I’m working on trust, but there’s SO MUCH to un-learn. Hugs to ya.

      Reply

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