Monday gave me a bit of energy and I had a few of notes to remind me of things I wanted to post about. But I accidentally tore it up so I’m just gonna wing it.
So I have been feeling very overwhelmed, depressed, and anxious lately in trying to make this decision about work. I talked to my therapist on Monday and pretty much had a temper tantrum saying “I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I CAN’T DO THIS! I’m done!” When think of choosing either option. my stomach turns and I want to vomit and run away.
What came to light from all this was that I am still holding on to my family’s “victim” story. I knew it was there but I had no idea how insidiously embedded it was in my mind. After the relief of the bankruptcy, I was concerned about sabotaging myself, and this is how it happens. Everytime I peel back some layers and grow personally, that family (his)story of victimhood snaps me backwards like I’m running forward with a rubber band around me.
Not only that, it’s the last of the threads that keeps me in relation to my family. My family is fueled on holding resentments. they thrive and get joy out of talking about who they are angry with and how so and so wrong them and how much they suffered, etc. My mom was a silent victim, my dad was very vocal about his victimhood, my brothers and sisters are very vocal about it and I was basically raised with that concept. If your family is a tree, then resentment and victimhood is the soil in which I was raised.
We also talked about how I just haven’t been able to pray at all (I need to find another word for “pray”, cause it sounds so churchy). I realized that I just am too pissed. I’m not feeling the infinite and I’m certainly not feeling one with it.
I’d been practicing a certain kind of prayer (I really need a new word for that) that I like and I know that in this style, it was suggested that I don’t “fake it”. If I’m not feeling it, then don’t try to force myself to feel it, just be honest about where you are at. I’ll do a separate post on this style of prayer (meditation?) and where I am with my concept of a Higher Power since I’m pretty much an atheist.
Anyhow, I had my Prosperity class that night and I was hoping that I would get a boost there. I usually get a concentrated boost when I have class as it somehow seems to really bring together everything I’m working on with ACA and in therapy. We did a forgiveness exercise and I hadn’t realized that in holding on to my resentment to people, I not only get to stay in my victimhood, I also don’t have to take responsibility to do anything. In doing this exercise, I realized just how much I haven’t done because I haven’t forgiven this person.
Let me tell you, for me, forgiveness work is very liberating but scary as hell afterwards. What now? Who am I without that victim story? How do I relate to my family without it? Eesh that greatness that I’m not owning up to due to my victimhood is big, unfamiliar, and scary.
How do I separate from that family story? What does that look like? What does life after look like? I have no models for that within my family and the thought of stepping into my greatness scares the shit out of me.
Maybe it looks like forgiveness with a side of inner-self work. Either way it’s a process and although I’m excited, I am also petrified.