Last Friday was a nightmare.
Earlier that week I was still processing from that forgiveness exercise we did in Prosperity class. I was feeling pretty good. Then he popped up on my radar again.
My ex (you remember M) sent me a message asking me if I’d like to have sex with him and this girl he’s fucking. Can you say heartbreak? As if it wasn’t already broken. He knows that when we split (about a month and a half ago), I was hurt and needing to heal. Why would he be so inconsiderate of my feelings? I’m sensitive as hell to this kind of shit. I don’t want to know who my ex is dating, much less fucking. Shit, I moved out-of-state once to avoid running into an ex and his new girlfriend.
Funny thing is, the girl he mentioned is a girl who messaged me earlier in the week. To be clear, all three of us belong to the same dating site, and on this particular one, you can see wall posts. They very openly posted about their fuck-fest. I think I disappeared for a moment, then went into rage, then broke down in tears.
I feel like every time I grow and heal a bit more, I get pushed back down as if the universe is saying “Where do you think you’re going? Don’t you know you’re place? Don’t you DARE move.” I feel like I get punished for wanting to shed this old self.
So I had two choices. Curl up in a ball and cry the rest of the night away with or without a combination of alcohol and pills, or pick up the phone. I decided to pick up the phone.
I am blessed to have good friends who are willing to let me break-down and process. I had a lot to say and I’m so glad the three friends that were available were willing to hear me out. In the end I was reminded that healing and forgiveness happens in layers. I thought I was done with him, but I know that he is a HUGE representation of all my shit (feelings of inadequacy, etc.). How could I expect to be done just like that? Oh no, there is more work to be done here. Nonetheless, I went to bed very scared, very confused, and very angry.
Well I managed to make it through the weekend, and had another great Prosperity group on Monday and ACA workbook group on Tuesday. I was pumped, and felt better than I have in over a year.
Later that night I decided to update my dating profile (on a different dating site than the one I mentioned above). It’s one that I have belonged to for a long time and I check into it frequently. I was chatting with someone when I noticed on the feed that none other than M himself just joined the site. What the hell?? Clarity and the backlash once again. I know it’s not MY site, but I felt like he was invading my space. Of course he describes himself as so loving and loyal blah blah blah and all I could think of was “not to me you weren’t”. Which let me into the “I’m not good enough to receive his best” place where I am now.
Oh and she’s on this site too. I had seen her on this site before, but we never made contact here. Her profile has a link to her blog, and when I went to check it out (yes, I know), I was disgusted even further that she posted all the gory details of their fuck-fest. She talked about how good he made her feel, the how he has the most intense eyes. My heart hit the ground as these were feelings I had once, and now, she gets to have them with him.
I pretty much have spent today crying at work, feeling so done. I’m fried. I’m too tired to see the lesson. I don’t want ANYTHING but this pain to go away. It’s too deep and too painful. I still have to make this job decision by tomorrow and I can’t think anymore.