Well the decision regarding my job has pretty much been made for me. Turns out I was operating on false information from Social Security Disability and I went back to work too early, thus making me ineligible for benefits. the best part is, I now owe them $8,000.

What sucks is that my job was able to modify my job for my 9 month trial period to see if things would work out (I would get well enough to the full range of my job description).  So now I have to stay at a job that will soon require me to perform full job duties that I don’t think I can do (and don’t want to do). I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.

These last few days with the M thing, trying to decide about my job, and now owing SSDI money, leave me feeling very numb. I really don’t care. I am tired of insight, I am tired of understanding, and I am so tired of feeling. Whatever hopes I had to live any sort of fulfilled life are gone now. I don’t want anything, care about anything, or feel good about anything right now and I can feel a breakdown coming on.

Isn’t it sickening that in order for me to go back to work I have to consider meds? Medicate me so I can do a job that I feel no connection or desire for. How did this happen??


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