Between Surrender and Resignation

A bit on surrendering and resignation.

Surrender – The concept of surrender I am talking about is in Step 2 of ACA which states: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” My issues with faith run deep. I don’t trust me, much less some concept that I can’t wrap my brain around.So I’m not in surrender – yet.

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Resignation – The dictionary has two definitions that I am referring to “1: to give up deliberately; especially :to renounce (as a right or position) by a formal act. 2: to accept something as inevitable.” My mantras become “I don’t care” and “I’m done”. I emotionally detach from everything because when I’m down, I give up since it makes no sense to feel better when I will always keep hitting bottom. When I’m okay (hopeful) I’m anticipating hitting bottom as a small voice says “Okay, don’t get too happy. Remember what happened last time”

So you see that space between Surrender and Resignation? That’s where you’ll find me. I am tired of all these intense weekly ups and downs. T-I-R-E-D!

I am so tired of letting go of control and learning that there is more letting go that needs to happen. If I let go completely, how do I deal with things like, taxes, moving, work, lawsuits, etc. I’m not a freakin Buddhist nun.

I’m tired of peeling and healing the layers, ever so slowly, and living the cycle of inquiry-epiphany-integration-(re)wounding-collapse-intense feeling-withdrawal-distraction-inquiry, epiphany. etc.

That cycle wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t happening EVERY WEEK!!

So as you can see, I am very exhausted. When it’s like this it’s hard to practice what is healthy for me (eating well, exercise, sleep, meditation). But I do stick to my therapy sessions, ACA meetings, and Prosperity group which all pull me through to the next moment.

I’m in a resting period somewhere between surrender and resignation and as my lovely therapist says “And that’s okay”.

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