Memories of a Nightmare

I’ve been packing up for my move back to S C, but I’m not feeling jazzed about it. I’m a little gun-shy about moving back to a town that I both love and feel afraid of. I love the scenery, the creativity, the ocean, and the laid back nature of it, but I also feel very afraid of how much it reminds me that I am old and that time flies way too fast.

Being that it’s a college town, it has a very young population. Most people there are excited about their newfound freedom and have plenty of creative energy. I don’t possess either of these things, so even though I love it there, I feel so out-of-place. It reminds me of how much I’ve lost touch with myself.

I have come across some reminders of this old self as I’ve been packing. It’s strange how what once seemed to feel not so long ago now feels like a distant memory. Old photographs, poems, journals, and sketches remind me of the fact that I’ve had this lost feeling for a long time. Sometimes I look back at moments of my life and think they were better times, but looking at these reminders tell me that longing for happiness is an old battle. They show me that I have felt disconnected from my body for a very long time.

In my therapy session today I somehow began talking about my high school experimentation with drugs. I remembered how I had bad trips and experienced paranoia for months at a time. This was the beginning of me feeling like I was dead but that my body didn’t know it. It was a living nightmare for me (especially at night) and my fear had gotten so bad that at 15 my mom was sleeping in my bedroom with me.

One day I came home from high school and saw Metallica’s “One” video. My heart stopped because here was a song and video that captured exactly what I was feeling. Up to that point I couldn’t find the right words to explain to anyone just how terrified I felt. Now I had some kind of evidence to show people just how it felt to be me.

(if it does not play, click where it says “Watch on YouTube”)

I don’t know if I just got use to feeling this way or is the intensity subsided. I think that as the years passed, triggering events would cause me to go back to this place where I lose touch with myself. Now, I think it’s a less vivid experience, but very similar nonetheless.

It amazes me that up until now, I had forgotten just how intense this period of my life was for me.

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