I am too tired to do anything but not tired enough to sleep. I have so much to do as tomorrow I’m moving back to SC. It’s gonna be a busy few days ahead, which is kinda nice in that I haven’t had much time to really “think”.
Today was my 9-month anniversary with ACA and it’s amazed me at how fast it’s gone by. I am so incredibly grateful for all the support I’ve received there. Yes, it’s been tough and I’ve experienced a lot of growing pains, but the difference is that now I have support. In the past I bulldozed through things alone and having support makes a huge difference.
Today I remembered what Iyanla Vanzant told me “A victim is someone who does not take responsibility for their own greatness”. In remembering this, it occurred to me that when I think of taking responsibility for myself, it freaks me out as if I just found out I was pregnant. I begin to get frightened at the fact that I am responsible for the life and well-being of a person. That’s a huge responsibility! It’s easier to name and blame others for why things are the way they are. As long as so-and-so is an asshole, I don’t have to be responsible for changing things.
Then it occurred to me that this is where a concept of a Higher Power comes in handy. I am no solely responsible for everything and I am not alone. I’m still working on that concept, but in looking at this, I realize that there is a sense of a burden being lifted when you realize you are not alone in this world.
A fellow ACA told me that, as a dad, he initially was freaked out at the responsibility of having kids, but then the love he felt for his kids took over, and the task of care-taking was not scary anymore. It was natural and full of love. I suppose that is a shift that I can look forward to.