Roller Derby

So I finally signed up for something I have been putting off for about 3 years. Today I signed up for a Roller Derby Boot camp.

My initial interest in Roller Derby was out of curiosity. I was curious if I had what it took to be a derby gal. Was I brave enough? Strong enough? I kept putting off going to boot camps and try-out as I was either too busy, broke, or found out last-minute. Either way the interest hadn’t left me.

Then about a month ago my therapist and I were talking about animus energy again and how it manifested in my dream earlier that week. The next morning I had woke up from a dream of me skating in a derby bout. When I woke up I laughed a little to myself thinking “there’s that animus energy again.” So I looked up the local team’s website and asked about their next boot camp. Soon after I got an e-mail letting me know their boot camp would be starting in July. for weeks I debated it and today I decided to sign up.

Why this and why now? Well, I know roller derby will push my out of my comfort zone (both physically and mentally). It will put me in a place where I have to be both humble, open, and strong in my voice. As the they said in today’s open house, “there’s no “I’m sorry” in derby”. Apologizing for myself is like breathing for me and so it’ll be an interesting habit to break. There’s  something about learning to get in touch with the power inside me that I am so afraid of tapping into because I’m so unfamiliar with it. I’ll have to learn to own my space and be in my body. I’ll have to get comfortable with falling and getting up and persevering.

I’ve also been in a very introspective place for the last couple of years and I’ve been wanting to get back into my life again. These past couple of years have found me saying “when I…” a lot. “When I lose weight..”, “When I stop being so depressed…”, “When my anxiety eases up…”, “When I start to feel alive again…”. But there is no place to get to. I am already here. Although I can only do what I can for this moment, I don’t have to wait to be “better” in order to take opportunities.

I don’t want to regret never doing this. I may still not feel confident or competent enough for try-outs when boot camp is over. But I’ll have taken a step into something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.

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