The Saboteur Re-Visited

In case you forgot, I am quite the sadist to myself.

I did what I know I shouldn’t and read the blog of the girl who slept with M last month. I tend to wonder if they have seen each other since, and her blog pretty much answers any questions I have regarding that. Apparently he’s been seeing her and even stayed at her place three nights in a row. I read about what they do together (yes I realize I’m in full stalking  mode) and in the end I am left wondering “What the hell is wrong with me that he never acted that way with me. Why does she get to have the good parts of him, the parts I wanted?”

I found myself wanting to push my sadness aside and focus on what makes me happy. Then it occurred to me that I was just denying how I really felt – like shit. I asked myself to let out how and what I felt. All the rejection, neglect, etc. I tried to shift from  acknowledging these feelings to re-affirming what is true about me, but it just wasn’t happening. All day I felt down and I just let it be that way.

I realized that everyone at work is partnered up. They are either married or in  long-term relationships. I see the pictures on their desks of vacations and family events and I feel like such a looser. I can’t believe I’m nearly 40 and still having these juvenile experiences.

I had planned to go to the roller rink tonight, and thought that would lift my spirits, but what happened was I just had a bad skate night. My knees were stiff, my feet hurt and I was stomping around like a clumsy Clydesdale. I tried to remember what I had learned this weekend, and for a few moments things seemed to get better, then I was just a hot mess again. I began to wonder if this roller derby boot camp was just a mistake. Another hopeful aspect of my life that is not to be.

I also worried that the boot camp was going to be a huge reenactment of being a kid at school and always feeling like the slowest and least skilled person there during P.E. That feeling of having a spotlight on me and resigned to giving up. Oh damn, what did I get myself into??

How quickly I’ve gone from excited to dreading this event. I’m feeling like I’m gonna hate it and feel humiliated. I really hate that I let M bring me down, and that I seek out this deflating experience when I am feeling good. I hate that I sabotage myself so well.

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