Monday night I was in a car crash which did some damage to my car and left me feeling like I had a concussion. My chest had some bruising from the seat belt and my head and neck were tight and still. My thoughts were foggy and I had to ask people to repeat themselves because I either couldn’t hear them or couldn;t understand them. I was also very tired, beyond tired, I was so sleepy and could not keep myself awake.
Immediately after the crash I was surprisingly calm, only dealing with the facts, and somehow able to have gratitude for the fact that I have car insurance, money to pay my deductible, a rental car so I can continue working, that the other car’s damage was minor and their passengers were safe, and that my injuries were minor.
The next day I was feeling “off” again. A mix of anger, calm, sadness, optimism, and loneliness. I had my session with my therapist and all my anger and frustration came out. I was resistant to answering her questions and I didn’t give a shit about feeling better and I could not go into myself to process anything. Instead she allowed me to express the anger I was feeling.
I talked about , how once again, I was angry that every time I’m able to stand up from a fall, something happens to push me back down. Everytime I seek happiness, the universe pushes me down to remind me of my place. It’s as if it’s saying “You see that happiness over there? You can’t have it, You can see other people have it, but it’s not for you.” My suicidal ideation began to re-emerge as I started feeling like an observer of life who is not supposed to participate.
Then I felt the sadness. This overwhelming sadness and fear came over me and then I felt my intense loneliness. I burst into tears and felt my loneliness consume me.
It’s one thing to not be able to share a beautiful day with someone, but it’s another thing entirely to deal with intense life experiences alone. Sure I have friends and support systems in pace, but I have no consistent person I can turn to, get support from, or come home to.
I left the session feeling like I had some understanding that these days of thinking about M and his new girlfriend leave me feeling vulnerable and so sad that they get to have what I want. That he’s coming home to her, she’s enjoying his company, he holds her close at night, and they enjoy meals together. While I am alone, going to doctor’s appointments alone, eating alone, feeling my pain alone. going to bed alone, and on and on.
This crash has left me feeling both gratitude for the fact that I have things in pace to take care of it and feeling very vulnerable and lonely.