I have known that trauma is a matter that creeps into your psyche ever so subtly, but I had no idea to the extent of which it arises when you become aware of its origins. When it comes up, sometimes it is obvious. “Oh hello Negating, haven’t seen you around for a while.” But other times, my mind and emotions are swirling in such chaos I can’t tell if I’m sitting or standing, much less what trauma is being resurrected.
After my car accident and therapy session on Monday, I went to my ACA Workbook group on Tuesday. We are still working on PTSD and it seemed quite appropriate. As I went down the list of triggering events, the people involved, and the message I received, it became very clear that as a young child, the message I received from other around me was “we are too busy for you. You and what you need/want isn’t important. You don’t matter enough for our attention to what you want. You are a bother.”
I absorbed this message as a child and have lived my life in accordance to it. I believe this message to be true. I know that this message created (what in ACA calls) my false self. I know that my true self is something much greater, but I do not feel it.
Instead, certain events will happen and trigger my feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, and not deserving of happiness. No wonder I can’t swim with the ocean’s momentum of life’s up and downs without drowning. Not only was I not taught to swim, I was taught that I shouldn’t be in the ocean. In reality I know that the ocean and I are one in the same. But that knowing hasn’t dropped into my heart space since my false self resides there.