I wasn’t sure what I was going to talk about at today’s therapy session. Not too much has happened in the last couple of days besides me feeling tired and irritated.
I usually go into a session with a topic or issue in mind (ya’ll know I have plenty), but sometimes, it’s the unplanned sessions that turn up some pretty good stuff.
Since I have been having such a hard time trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, we explored my lack of passion. It soon became clear to me that my lack of passion is one and the same with my feeling/belief in being unworthy (shame). When I think of things I use to be passionate about or things I get a bit of a charge from now, I soon find myself having thoughts of “I’m too old. I’m not good enough.etc., etc.” Then poof, passion is gone.
Then our conversation took an interesting turn. We began exploring the ACA trait of people pleasing and looking at how that manifests for me with men and women. From that I realized that it’s more of an issue of people pleasing in regards to people with a strong animus energy.
I began to talk about how I adopted my dad’s animus energy to fuel the passion I felt in the past. Basically I used his version of what it meant to be present in the world. It’s a very forceful, defensive style and in the past it sometimes worked to help me get what I wanted. Other times it got me in trouble.
When she began to talk about exploring what my version of animus energy looks like, I realized that it shows up in those rare moments when I feel connected to my authentic self.. In contrast to my father’s style, my style is very relaxed, light, comfortable, and open. In realizing this, I blurted out “It’s Clint Eastwood!”
My father is very John Wayne, and I am very Clint Eastwood. I’ve been drawn to Clint Eastwood for a long time now. I mostly feel a pull towards him due to his strong, quite, comfortable and confident style. I’m not saying I should try to be like Clint Eastwood, but identifying him as an example given me something to work with. Some kind of visual identification.