In last night’s session I told my therapist what I experienced during my coaching session on Saturday at the Prosperity seminar. I recounted what I felt when the coach helped me identify the unowned part of me that feels like it’s worthy. As I re-told this experience I began to feel the pain again and began crying. I don’t think I have cried this hard in her presence before.
I trust her enough to allow us to explore this experience further. I was afraid, but went along with it, checking in with myself to see if it was too much and needed to stop. My therapist is very compassionate and so she would check in as well, asking if it was okay to go further along the way.
I explained to her that the image that came to mind for me was of me as a child (around 4 or so) sitting curled up in a dark space, with my arms wrapped around my knees and head down. The space around me is black. Although this image represents me, it does not represent me as a child, it is that part of me that feels worthy. The fact that it had been shut down so early in my life brought me to tears.
She asked me if that part of me had anything to say. I mentioned that I could go on and on about the part of me that feels unworthy, but this part of me that feels worthy has been shut down for so long that I didn’t even know it was there, and so it feels like it has no voice yet. All I could say was that this part of me feels sad, neglected, oppressed, and shut down.
She then asked if it was okay for her to join me in that space. When I told her she could, she then asked why this was possible. I found that to be a peculiar question, but what I realized was that, I could allow her to join me because she is safe and I have no anger or resentment towards her.
She then asked what proximity of closeness I was okay with. At this point I was okay with her hugging me (not literally, but in conciousness). As we sat in this space, she would ask how I was feeling, If there was a change in darkness, feeling, etc. I noticed that I felt the same emotions and tones, but it was just a bit less oppressive. Slowly I felt less alone and a bit more relaxed.
Then out of nowhere the image of my pre-school teacher came to me. She walked into this space and stood close by with a smile as she wore her polyester pink dress suit and her black hair in a bouffant. I mentioned this to my therapist and told her that this teacher was probably the first person outside my family to really acknowledge me. She was kind, approachable, and always gave me attention. I have a very vivid memory of her talking to my mom afterschool one day, telling her in a very excited voice how impressed she was about a drawing a did of my family. I felt so happy in that moment.
I also mentioned that I wanted to invite my uncle in,but didn’t feel safe enough to do so because he is so closely related to my mom, and I can’t think of him without thinking of her. So me and my therapist sat in her office as I continued to experience this acknowledging of such a neglected part of me. It was the most beautiful moment I have ever experienced in counseling ever.
I’m not going to pretend to understand inner child work/authentic self work completely. It seems complicated when you begin to understand different parts/aspects of you. How does the part of you that feels unworthy and the part of you that feels worth exist at the same time? Don’ they cancel each other out? From what I am experiencing, as far as I can tell, it’s just another experience of all things being present.
What I know is that when I am stressed, depressed, etc. I go back to old habits and begin to feel disconnected and have black and white thinking. But life is all-inclusive and when I feel more connected, I can see and feel that all things exist.