Worthy

Last Saturday, I had a  1 ½ day Prosperity Pioneer seminar to go to, but  had to miss the first day due to the RDBC. As I posted before, day 2 of RDBC was a bit tougher for me, so I was still feeling a bit disappointed about not being able to “keep up” with the latest drills.

I had arranged a carpool to the Prosperity seminar for Saturday but was running later than expected. I called my carpool person to let her know I’d be late but got her voice mail, so I left a message. When I arrived to our agreed site no one was there, so I drove to the seminar site. I have to admit, I felt crappy. Why didn’t she call me to see if I was on my way? That’s what I would do if I were waiting for someone and it was getting late.

As I walked into the seminar building, I could tell I was in a bad head space. The energy in the room was very high and happy, and I was not in the same frame of mind or spirit. I started to get that feeling of being left out. They were riding on the momentum of the night before, and so was I. Except my night before consisted of disappointment.

Before the days events continued, I talked to our facilitator and he suggested I get coaching before starting (The day was to consist of a long activity that typically triggers people, so coaches are on hand to help when that happens).

It was the weirdest feeling. As I walked behind my coach, I began to notice that I was feeling very disconnected and shut down, It was very similar to when I admitted myself into the hospital to years ago (actually, the night before marked 2 years that I was admitted).

As we sat and talked I began to cry so hard. The pain became overwhelming and I wanted to disappear. I ddin’t want to go home and I didn’t want to stay. I wanted to die.

We did a session of Big Mind and what I was able to touch on was that part of me that feels worthy. Actually, I realised was  that part of me that feels worthy has no voice. My coach said to me, “That part of you that feels worthy has been shut down so far in the basement, without food, without water, and without friends.” When she said this I could see a small image of me as a 4-year-old, sitting up, curled into myself in darkness. This is when I began to cry the hardest. I felt sad at how a the reality of worthiness could get sht down in me at such a young age. I cried for that part of me.

With the help of our facilitator, I ended up participating in the days events after all. I still didn’t feel all “there” but it was enough to ease the sense of overwhelm.

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