Just before every practice I give myself a pep-talk. My feelings of doubt creep in and as I begin to shush them, my brain begins to bring up memories of past relationships and heartache. “Not now” I tell myself “this is not the time. I know you want my attention, but we are going to have fun right now.”
Tonight’s practice was a mixed bag for me. My lower back was acting up again despite the stretches, ibuprofen, and back brace a team member lent me. I did what I could, remembering to have fun and notice where I am at and where the next step of growth is vs comparing myself to others.
I was doing okay having to stop and take back breaks, and then jumping back into the track. I was okay with stepping off the track to practice a skills with our trainers/coaches as they offered. I was even okay with the partner push relay race we did (where I was definitely struggling, but having fun anyway). I was okay…up until we started practicing whips.
The first set was alright. I noticed how I was grabbing (taking) and how I whipping (giving). It all seemed fine until…
I had my left arm out and back. I looked back to see my partner and when she grabbed my arm and I whipped her I flew back myself. At first I thought it was a loss of balance thing that I could recover from, then it was just too much too fast and both my feet went into the air and I landed smack on my tailbone. Yup, ass to concrete. Thankfully I was wearing my crash pad shorts, or else I think the damage would have resulted in some kinda fracture. I heard some “are you okay?” and “get off the track” but I was dizzy, felt like the wind was knocked outta me, and in a pain that almost had me in tears. I think I was in shock. I was shook up for sure and when I got off the track and stood up, I was still dizzy and it was very obvious that I needed to sit down.
I gave it a bit before I got up to skate again. I was gun-shy about it, but skated outside the track since I wasn’t sure I was okay enough to keep up with the team in their next skill set. I didn’t want to slow them down or be a nuisance.
I decided to sit the rest of practice out since my tailbone was still somehow numb and hurting, and I didn’t know what kind of damage I did to it. I definitely didn’t want to take the chance of falling on it again.
I noticed that I started feeling crappy and doubtful of my being there again. I was watching my team do some really fun drills and I could see their confidence building right before my eyes. I wanted to be there, but I didn’t want to risk doing more damage either. Was it worth the risk? Do I even belong there anymore? The skills will only get harder and come a lot faster. I’m already behind, so should I just get out now?
Maybe I’ll talk to one of the trainers about it. Either way I will still practice, maybe even today depending on how my ass feels.
NOTE: I get it, it’s Roller Derby, you WILL fall A LOT! I have fallen enough to know that I just get back up and keep going. I even fell on my tailbone twice before and got up and skated, but the impact of those falls were nowhere near the one I did last night. I fell with the force of two people’s momentum last night and it was just as my tailbone began to feel somewhat okay from the previous falls last month.