Being in physical pain brings on feelings of being alone for me. My tailbone injury from Friday night RDBC practice feels worse. I’m not sure what the damage is, so I might go to the Dr. today to get it looked at.
This morning was a hassle of trying to sit without pain, alternating warm compresses and ice packs, and wanting to soak in the tub, but needing to wash it first. It’s moments like this that I remember past relationships and that I am alone. I want someone in my life, not only for companionship, but for moments like this having someone around who cares makes life a little less painful.
During our re-parenting session today we chose one of the ACA traits that, in that moment, called to us, and either wrote, drew, or sculpted something that helped us express what we were feeling. I chose #5 Victim and #11 Low-Self Esteem.
In looking at my choices, I could see that when I am being critical with myself, I am reacting from the viewpoint of a victim. I remember how each day that I go to derby practice, I face that demon head-on. Some days are harder than others. But I am really feeling like a victim with this injury. Not so much that it happened, but that there is no one to help me. It makes me sad and I think of my family members and how when they are injured, they’re alone too.
I then started to write out statements about how I felt alone. How my mom isn’t here, and them I remembered how my mom hated me being sick. I wrote “My pain is a nuisance to you.” She always had so much to do, and me being sick wasn’t helpful. She would help me, but in a way that implicated that it was my fault and I was overreacting.
Years later, when my niece was having her baby, my mom made a comment about how she hated when women made noises during childbirth, “Why do they have to scream out like that?” In contrast, she made as little noise as possible and as a result, people saw her as strong. Looking at that now, I see that she was a woman who didn’t feel like she deserved to express what she felt and what she needed, and much less, wanted.
Then I recalled that even my partners were not caring when I was sick. Of course I was there for them when they were ill, but when I was ill it was like they didn’t know what to do. I vividly remember a time that I had intense food poisoning and my boyfriend at the time said “Will you stop exaggerating” and “Either throw up or don’t”. I began to cry because I don’t understand why it’s so hard to care for someone when they’re not feeling well? How fucking hard is it?
I then began to write “I don’t want to be a grown up” as I realized that when I am sick or in physical pain, what I am really wanting is to be a little girl again who gets compassionately cared for. I’m trying to get what I didn’t and when it doesn’t happen, I emotionally begin to react from the fact that it didn’t happen.
I know the solution to an ACA situation is to be your own loving parent. It would also be nice if I had someone around who cared for me that wants to help.