These last few days has me experiencing a typical ACA trait; seeking unavailable people.

Most of the items on the ACA Laundry List are interrelated, but the two that I am experiencing are:

4) We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

12) We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

I met someone who I have a lot in common with, find attractive, and feel comfortable with. Thing is, he is in a polyamorous marriage. In his particular case, him and his wife are allowed to date other people. By nature, I’m very curious and considerably open to new experiences, so when I have been approached by people in these types of relationships, I’ve wondered if this was something I could be open to.

Like most things, it’s usually more about the right person than the experience itself, and this person is someone I am comfortable with so far. But when I think about a previous post and look at what I want, it gets a bit more complicated.

I’ve been ready for marriage since I’ve been attracted to people. I’m not one for dating, and much less one for dating various people at the same time. I have always been too self-conscious and had that show up in my life as jealousy. Although I am a little stronger in my identity, I still find it very difficult to think of dating several people at the same time AND dating someone who is also dating other people.

I want someone to come home to. It’s long overdue. I’m tired of dating, and waiting, and acting upon. I don’t think that monogamous or polyamorous relationships are wrong. I just don’t like being attracted to people who are unavailable (yet available on some level?)

I guess I feel like if I dated this person, I’d be “borrowing” him. Having him on loan. I know me, and I’d invest too much emotionally, get hooked, and have to go through heartbreak when either a) they date other people b) either one of us decides we should stop seeing each other or c) I realize that I want more. Why set myself up?

I’ve considered just being friends, but that seems more torturous. Why do I have to be the one who always has to keep letting people go??



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