So I woke up Saturday morning and felt a sense of certainty. I didn’t like the conclusion I came to, yet I knew it was the best for me. Sometimes I fucking hate that I’m so introspective. Sometimes I wish I could just enjoy life and not “feel” so damn much.
I came to the conclusion that I deserve to be with someone who I don’t have to wait in line for. Polyamory just seems too damn complicated, with too many factors, and too many things to take into consideration. I don’t need more complications in my life right now. If I ever get to a place where I have more of a sense of self, then maybe I could consider it. But for now, as I am trying to make me a priority, I need to be around people who support that.
It occurred to me that, even though this person (K) is really nice and we have a lot in common, I can still easily lose myself. With M, I lost myself because he was so hard to please and I was always trying to get acceptance from him. With K it’s different because we get along well and I don’t feel like I have to prove anything. I can be myself and learn more about him. But that enjoyment can be addicting. Add to that the fact that he’s not available and it’s just a recipe for disaster.
I’ve been feeling really bummed about this conclusion as it has me feeling so damn lonely. Like the world is just telling me “See all those people in relationships? Well, you can’t have that. That’s not for you.”
Thanks, Fuck You.