After my therapy session last night, I have decided that it is best for me to no longer date. Yesterday, my therapist pointed out what I already knew. Every time I make an attempt at romantic partnership I lose myself and fall into some degree of depression and self criticism. I also tend to do this after reaching some place of acceptance and growth.
She says I’m not ready to date right now, and I know she’s right. But when I hear her say this I substitute the words “right now” with “ever again”. She says I don’t have a strong enough sense of self to be able to hold myself up when things don’t go well (which is true). From this I extract the conclusion that; “by the time I get to a place of having a sense of self, I’ll be so damn old. So what’s the point. Why bother.” (Those last two statements are not questions).
This decision feels like a giant punishment for being fucked up.
You may say I’m being dramatic, but I know too many people who are older and more secure in themselves, but have given up on finding partnership. I see them and I see me in them.
At this point I feel like a bad investment. A house on the market that is so dilapidated that it is deemed a public hazard and should be condemned. I realize that I am determining my value by my partnership status. But I also know that I am not asking for much. I know that even though I don’t have a sense of self, I have more than others I know who are in relationships.
Nonetheless I begrudgingly decided to no longer date. As I drove away from her office (and since then) I could feel my heart forcing itself to close up. I naturally see others “potentials” with the deadly combination of a cat’s curiosity and dog’s fidelity. Now, when I see someone and I get a small spark of interest, I can feel my heart close like a steel trap and begin to view that person as a thing. I look at my reflection and think “it’s just me and you kid”.
For how long? Fuck if I know.
What I didn’t expect was that this unavailable closed heart would transfer to my friends and support system. As I sat in my ACA Workbook group, I could feel myself shut down. I didn’t participate much (if at all) and finally fessed up towards then end of the meeting. I simply stated that I decided to no longer date, and that in order to do that I have to close my heart. I don’t know how to be open with some people and closed to others. I don’t know how to keep an open heart and not get emotionally involved.