After processing and feeling and just letting be, I think I am experiencing a more balanced view of dating (not-dating). I still can be green with envy when I see couples enjoying their Sunday breakfast downtown, etc. and I still cringe at the thought of M dating, but I am also finding another space.
In this space, when I am faced with a decision or having a thought, my goal is to ask myself two questions:
- Is this decision/thought out of love or fear?
- Is this for my greater good (am I making myself a priority)?
Although I won’t be pursuing anyone to date, I will remain open to meeting someone who compliments who I am.
Then there’s K.
We still spend time together and after feeling things out, I decided I’m going to continue spending time with him. Why? Because I enjoy his company and it allows me the opportunity to practice non-attachment in a safe space. What makes it safe is that we can communicate openly and we have respect and consideration between us.
When we are together I notice things like; enjoying a moment and letting it be what it is for now, feeling loneliness when I am away and readjusting to me, fostering illusion, attachment after too much time together, gauging when it’s too much time, and when I am no longer placing myself as a priority.
It may all be some bullshit excuse to justify hanging out. I’m pretty sure it is. But I think it’s also okay since there is no plan, investment, or illusion in “forever”. In doing this I can invest in me, have some company, and get clearer on what it is that I do want and what I do not want.