Can’t Bullshit a Bullshitter

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I am making up stuff to justify what I do, or if I am taking action for my greater good.

In spending time with K, I observe my intentions and try to be a witness to myself in both progress and regression. As a whole it is progress because in moments where I feel a bit of old patterns creeping in, I am able to compassionately observe myself and seek the lesson. I do the equivalent of cleaning the wound, slapping on a band-aid, and sending myself off with a kiss.

People are mirrors, and in being with K I am learning a lot about myself. It occurred to me this weekend that different parts (aspects) of me come out around different people. For my whole life I have lived in a way in which who I am in any given moment is determined by who I am with in that moment. Given that this was the case, no wonder I have had such a hard time being stable in my authentic self. I had no idea who that self is!

I lived in a way where I unconsciously believed that others had the power to make me “better” or “worse”, and in believing such, I also believed that they had the power to take those aspects of me with them when they left.

What made itself clearer was that it wasn’t others who made me who I was with them, but they merely brought out aspect of me that are already mine to begin with AND they cannot take those aspects away.

So at the end of our time together, I try to observe who I was with K. I ask myself “what felt good and what didn’t?” Then I remind myself that he serves as a mirror to who I already am and only I can regulate the intensity of these aspects. I try not to deny or cut out those parts of me that I did not like, I try to acknowledging them and allow them a voice. I say “try” because this isn’t coming to me automatically – yet.

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