I decided to talk with one of the people from the Workbook group regarding me taking a break. I was a little unsure if we were still a “closed” group or not and felt like I needed to clear that up since I’m not sure when (or if) I’m going back.
We talked about my frustration how irritated 12-year-old self was just sick of processing EVERYTHING. She mentioned that this part of me sounded really masculine.
When she said this it totally hit me that a) yes, it is in fact masculine (animus) energy and b) this is that male inner child* (persona/inner self) that my therapist mentioned a year ago.
In looking at this part of me, with the knowledge of its masculine nature, several things became clear. I’ve been aware that this part of me had something to do with puberty and sexuality. At 12 I was just in the beginnings of puberty and I remember that I felt very afraid of my femininity. I learned that I had to protect myself from boys and men around me. That I had to make myself invisible or else I’d be “asking for it”. My mother never talked to me about how to be a girl/woman, but what I learned in watching her was that a woman is quiet, reserved, modest, and sacrifices her desires so that others are accommodated. Of course I also saw that she grudgingly played that role.
I feel like my animus energy was there when I was 12 as a means to protect my feminine self. It showed up as the loud mouthed “I don’t care what you think” attitude that I learned from my father. In my mind (at that time) that’s what strength and masculinity looked like.
So no wonder this part of me came out again when me and my therapist talked about me no longer dating as a means to not only protect myself, but as a way to get to know my Self more. Not only was I reacting, but I was protecting myself in the same style I did when sexuality showed up on the radar.
It may seem small and insignificant, but this bit clarity really helps me to understand what the hell was going on. For days I was so confused at why I was being so angry and shut down.
What also helps is that in stepping back from doing so much work has helped in the process to just happen. For clarity like this to surface. I am so glad I was able to do so with supportive people.
(*I fucking hate the term inner child, but I don’t know what other term to use)