It’s not that I haven’t had topics to write about. It’s more that I didn’t have much time or energy. So yeah, it’s been a while since I posted something (at least it feels like it).
But last week I was suddenly hit with a gall stone attack that was quickly followed by pancreatitis. I had a 4-day hospital stay, two medical procedures, and a lot of emotional bullshit.
Long story short, I fucking hate being alone when I’m injured (I’ve said this before when I was recovering from my tailbone injury). Before going into surgery I unsuccessfully tried to keep from crying.
All I could think of was my past relationships where my partners were pretty much useless when I was sick. Of course when they were sick I would care for them. You’d think that after having it modeled for them, they’d know what to do, but no. It was like they became cold, paralyzed puppies (except not cute). It’s so disgusting to me when the person who claims to care for me doesn’t put me on the front burner when I need them most. It leaves me feeling abandoned and like the world is not safe.
During my stay there was some disappointment with people who I thought would be there for me more. Too many details to go into really.
After surgery, the oxygen mask hadn’t even come off me when I burst into tears. I was coming in and out of consciousness and all I could do was cry. When the anesthesiologist took my mask off, he asked “Are you okay? Are you in pain?” I shook my head “no” and pathetically cried “I feel alone”.
Afterwards I felt some kind of mixture of angry, sad, and disconnected. I resigned to the fact that, yes, I am alone. Sure I know a few people who offered the obligatory “if there’s anything I can do just let me know”, but actually doing so is different. I do ask for help, but I don’t have someone who can help me with daily things like, prepping food or helping me up out of bed.
Loneliness sucks, but loneliness in a time of need is just plain out heartbreaking for me.